He goes alright for a fat, lazy prick doing a law degree doesn’t he?
See the soft looking young white kid in the picture? The flabby looking bloke?
That’s my boy Noah Conlan, grandson of the former leading Brisbane rails bookie Hayden Flynn; son of the 2nd best looking bird in Far North Queensland, face of Cairns racing, soon to be TV star, and future wife of Archie in waiting Rebecca Conlan (below); brother of NSW’s no 1 pound for pound horizontal folk dancer and Cleo centerfold Aden; nephew of the world’s tightest bookie Joey; and MMA champion of the world in waiting, under my management of course, fee of only 75% of all earnings plus expenses.
Thanks to me giving him a manly heart to heart, a hug, and a kick up the arse a couple of years ago when he was understandably down in the dumps, Noah is now a first year law student at my old alma mater Griffith University in Brisbane, and he is tearing them to pieces too, with a grade point average so high that it makes my head spin.
Brains don’t win 3 round bouts though, so realising that the pudgy guts are a result of the non-stop after exam toga partied backed up into nude doof doof raves, I directed his grandpa to direct his mother to direct the little campus life lover to get home quick smart, on the promise of a very early knockout by me in the dorm if he didn’t.
He was on the plane pronto that night.
I told you the kid was smart.
A little bit of wheeling and dealing went on while he was in the air, and when he walked out through departures without seeing me lurking to the side I stepped out of the shadows, grabbed the great white whale in a headlock, told him that he was a disgrace to his mother, his grandfather, his beautiful girlfriend. the city of Cairns, the Cowboys, all the crocodiles in the Daintree, and to the Australian nation as a whole.
“Sam Kerr doesn’t let herself go does she Noah” I said to the bum I had locked up and paralyzed with fear. “And teen-aged blubber butt law students who drink 6 cartons of XXXX every weekend don’t win main events on big fight cards either you bum. You’re a disgrace!”
“What main event on what card” he asked?
“The one you’re fighting in you’re fighting in this weekend fatso” I barked. “Spar Wars Skywalker!”
But but but but the little bugger butted, before I butted in and butted him back.
“Yeah yeah Butterbean, you might have won the Under 15 World Choi Kwang Do Championships in Korea when you were only 10, but that was a long time ago and you were skinnier then. I only came to the airport to tell you that you have to run home. Fast too. Time’s short, we’re long, and you’re out of shape. So 5 minutes to the mile and I will be timing you. Go!”
I would have trimmed him down and muscled him right up too, only I had to get home to get an early quaddie on the gallops, and then I had a late quaddie, and then one of each on the trots, and then some on the English hurdles, so when the lazy slob rocked up at home in a muck lather and puffing like Billy. I yelled “Alright son, you know what you have to do, so go and do it!”
“Rumble, young man, rumble!”
He didn’t, but he did.
The little bastard spent all week at the nude beach with his girlfriend and didn’t train, but he did go the distance against a muscled up bloke with a huge record and a mean right hook, and came away with a draw.
Noah would have won if he had followed my instructions too, but to be fair to the little tacker it was a windy day when I barked them out at him, and Maggie and I were admiring each others birthday suits at the other end of the nude beachy at the time, so he may not have heard me.
Fighters get all the hot chicks
He did good though.
The next stop is a title bout with Conor McGregor at Croc Arena in Port Douglas.
If the little bastard doesn’t weigh in trim I’m gunna chuck him in to train with the salties.
