Archie Dreams About the First Day of the Adam Hyeronimus Stewards Inquiry in His Sleep

So Mr Hyeronimus, you and this Paine character are cousins are you?


And what does he do

Works in the stables, straps, rides a bit of work

Who does he work for?

Gai. Or he used to anyway. His Dad still does. He’s that crazy gut in the fruity suit who came running through the mounting yard like a pork chop on Slipper day, and and tried to hump Adrian Bott’s leg.

Oh, that idiot. Is her your uncle?


Says a lot. Who do you ride most for?


Who’s her hubby?


And her son?


What do they do?

Dunno. Live off Big Bill’s money?

Yes they do, or more correctly Bill’s and his half of the loot he and his brother stole from widow of the third Waterhouse brother, but enough of that. Now to this cousin of yours and the work he does mucking out boxes. Pays alright does it?

Nah, terrible. He only clears about a grand a week. I get that for 5 rides.

Is that why over the course of the last 4 years you’ve slung him a poultice? To help him out?

Nah, that money was mine. He was just holding on to it for me.

But Mr Hyeronimus, in the online reference of all these transactions you typed “Savings” or “Gift”?

Oh, that was just code for ‘hang on this one for the pub crawl on Sunday night’ – that’s the Gift one – and ‘Don’t give me this until the next morning when I’m sober, and make sure you walk me straight down to the bank’.’

The money was in the bank though son, do you really expect us to believe that?

Believe what you want boss. It’s true.

Piffle boy. Absolute tripe. You were giving it to your cuzzie bro to punt with weren’t you? To punt for you?

No way squire! I don’t punt. I’m a jockey, I’m not allowed to.

Well look here, at the bank statements. You give in to Paine, he transfers it into a different account of his, and then he whacks it into Sportsbet. Why would he be doing that if you weren’t punting?

Because he’s a dumb arse, gee. That’s why he shovels horse manure for a living. Think about it for a second. Who the hell with half a brain would be betting with Sportsbet? Their prices are unders, their boosts are crap, they don’t have extra head or bet back, there’s no backup or best fluc, and their website’s a joke. If it was my money it would be going straight into Neds, no question at all. Any intelligent person’s would.

You’re a hundred percent correct on that Hyeronimus, but we don’t rate you as any Einstein either, and no doubt that Shannon from Neds would have you pegged a mile away. He’s the smartest bloke in racing, bar none. So we don’t buy your story. It was your punting bank for sure, wasn’t it, and cousin Blake was your bowler.

No way! No. No. No. I would never do such a thing. I don’t punt.

You do know that we have your phone don’t you jock?

One of them.

And your bank records.


Alright. Let’s talk Limbo Soul.


Wednesday 22nd of February 2017. Rosehill. Race 2.

Oh yeah. How’d did it go.

It won.


Wow indeed Hyeronimus. Congratulations on the ride. It was backed from $20 into $3.20.

Gee that’s a big go.

Big price too for a horse that came out and ran 5th in a Group 2 next time out against Tulip and Alizee. Would you agree?

If I was a punter I might Chief. But I know nothing.

Do you know Sally Snow?


TAB Head Trader. Boss of price setting. Used to work for R. Waterhouse. He’s a mate of of her Dad’s from the Fine Cotton days. She calls him Uncle Rob.

Nah, never heard of her.

These bets your cousin is putting on for you aren’t the real thing here are they Mr H?

Waddya mean?

You’re just tacking on to the big money. Doing a bit on the side, over and above your sling.

I don’t getcha?

Limbo Soul was backed from 20’s in 9-4. You had a lousy 500 bucks on it. Where did the real money come from? Whose money was it?

I don’t bet sir, wouldn’t know.

Now I want you to watch this video.

Pretty easy lead wasn’t it?

Sort of. Yeah.

Brenton Avdulla took the second favourite Memento straight out the back?


You and Avdulla are mates aren’t you?

Sort of.

You sure?


Where do you reckon we got the idea to have a look at your phone from?

No way!

Way. Now watch Avdulla’s ride. He goes back, he goes to the fence, and he doesn’t really try does he?

Nah, he’s just a victim of bad luck.

Sure Mr H, sure. Let me show you a few freeze frames.



That’s your old mate (ha ha) Avdulla coming up on the inside. You are about 3 or 4 lengths in front of him. But he’s not looking at you. He’s looking across. At what?

Dunno, you will have to ask him.

We already have.


Here’s another one. See Avdulla’s hands? What do you think he’s doing?

Um. No comment.


No comment hey? Roll it forward, and here we are at the 250 mark. What do you think that Avdulla is doing with his reins and hands?

No idea.

Aren’t you a jockey Hyeronimus?

Well sort of. Maybe not for much longer.


Now we are at the 200. Mr Avdulla is not very keen is he?

Probably just having an off day. Animal welfare and all that.

It’s a bit hard for him to spot you that much start isn’t it?


How did yours come up at $21 in the opening betting market again lad?

Sally Snow wound it in for Rob.

I beg your pardon? Could you say that again?

Um, ah, er, um. Zeljko’s bound to be on the job. You know, that Russian bloke. World’s biggest gambler.

He’s Tasmanian. And he bets on percentages and rebates, not boat race kid.

I wouldn’t know. I’ve never met him.

Most people haven’t. Now let’s have a look at the ride of Josh Parr on Za Zi Ba shall we?


It’s the one in the white with black cap.



No coming around the turn Parr has enough room to steer a bus through that gap, doesn’t he?

That’s a matter of opinion. Maybe a semi-trailer, but I’d not sure about a bus.


For some reason though Mr Parr decides to steer the third favourite to the inner, doesn’t he?

Probably got blinded by the sun boss.



Indeed. Let’s have a look at Mr Clark on Mahaja. Would you agree that there was plenty of room for an accomplished international Group 1 winning jockey to pop in?

Dunno. I’ve never ridden overseas. No-one will gave be for some reason.


Would it surprise you to learn that Mr Clark elected to stay wide rather than pop his horse in one off the fence.

Nothing surprises me in racing anymore.

Us either Hyeronimus us either. What about this ride of Glyn Schofield’s? He’s in the one in the blue, inside the one on the red and yellow.



What about it?

Put yourself in jockey Schofield’s shoes for a moment Mr Hyeronimus. What reason would there be for you to take a sustained look to your left and behind, when clearly there is room for a run for the roses both right in front of you, and around the heels of the horse in two-tone green?

Animal welfare, for sure. That or rider safety.


Would you expect Mr Schofield to go up in the irons and ease, when there is a gap six miles wide to sail through?

Maybe he’s afraid of water.

Or perhaps Sir, he just prefers Snow?

No comment.

Do you know Deputy Chief Steward Birch socially?

Never heard of him.

He’s the man here to my left.

That mug? Nah, only time I’ve ever seen him is up at the Landsborough Pub when he used to be putting bets on as a runner for Steve Fletcher.

Thank you Mr Hyeronimus.

Thank you Sir. is quite a useful resource they tell me.


See you tomorrow.

Inquiry adjourned until 9.00 am Tuesday.

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