Highlights From the House of Broken Dreams (Queensland Parliament) Yesterday

Premier Palaszczuk announced that Queensland was going to beat the Coronavirus by inviting Chinese people living in Queensland to attend sittings of Parliament (intense boredom is apparently a cure); ignoring their relatives back home by redirecting the State’s tourism marketing focus to non-infected folk in Japan, Singapore and the US; paying little Bobby Irwin a fortune to shout ‘Crikey’; and spending $3 million dollars of punters money on promoting illustrious, world-famous events like the Beat the Heat curry cook-off in Blackall (pop. 1416) and the Brolga Festival in Quilpe (pop. 547), and sending them out to Mt Barney (pop. 22) in between bushfires to stay at the lodge.

Doctor cum confused politician Anthony Lynham looked out the window at the rain bucketing down and proudly informed the people of the State that he had cranked up the never-used and long dormant desalination plant at the Gold Coast to supply water to South-East Queensland, or to those whose buckets had a hole in them anyway.

Mark ‘Funky’ Furner – the Minister for Agricultural Industry Development and Fisheries, Soft Falls From the Federal Senate, and Using a Handful of Numbers That Fortuitously Form the Balance of Family Power to Nab a Cabinet Ministry – demonstrated all the traits of political ineptness that saw him get dumped as a Senator by bemoaning the fact that China’s halt to imports due to the Coronavirus will mean that the price of a kilo prawns at your local fish and chip shop will fall under 20 bucks for the first time in decades. Boo hoo. I’ll have 2 kilos thanks Pauline.

(The Premier later chimed in and lamented the drop in price of mud crabs from $50 a kilo down to $20. It’s a terrible thing when Queenslanders can afford to eat their own ocean bounty rather than selling it half-way across the world, to be sure, to be sure).

The boy wonder (retired) Jarrod Bleijie and the worst Health Minister in history Steven Miles had an adolescent cat fight over computers and clocks. The only winners were the handbag sellers.

‘Del’ Shannon Fentiman, the Minister for a Whole Lot of Meaningless Things But Not Women After Stuffing That Portfolio Right Up, told members of the House a wonderful tale about a young unemployed woman that a million dollars worth of State Government funding had helped to find work as a receptionist, and as an encore added that more taxpayer’s money had allowed the bird to upskill for a career shift to relaxation massage. It’s a growing industry I hear, particularly now that Coronavirus has stopped the Chinese birds from coming over here for a happy ending.

Big things were expected of Linus Power, the MP for Logan, when he entered the House of Broken Dreams, but they haven’t eventuated. That’s due to a combination of the decline in influence of the AWU, the fact he tied his mast to MP Dick’s sails, an utter lack of ability, and nonsensical ramblings in Parliament like the one that Charlie Brown’s little blanket-toting mate gave today.

Power’s diatribe was somewhat hard to follow but I will do my best to describe it to you. In short, Linus spent time in his youth on his grandfather’s sheep farm with his extended cousins, who are presumably now playing in the NBA or performing the role of Jack’s beanstalk in pantomimes and apparently has a deep and powerful connection to dogs (Nicola Gobbo aka Lawyer X does too), particularly sheep dogs and greyhounds (Gobbo prefers Coppers dogs), which is the first time since the live baiting scandal that we’ve heard that.

Prompted by an approach from a concerned citizen named Mandy Petrie – who also happens to run the Before and After School Care program at his kids school – and no doubt inspired by the fact that he could whack the cost on the Government credit card, about four years ago Power bought a large scale thermometer with a probe, jumped in his Government sponsored ute with Ms Petrie, parked in the most exposed to the sun spot he could find in the car park at the local mall, wound up the windows, called up the media, and exclusively revealed to world (via the Jimboomba Times) that if you park your car on ashphalt in the blazing sun and wind up all the windows, it’s London to a Brick on that it’s gunna get bloody hot inside.

He’s a genius our Linus, that’s why we let kids who stuff at school and get double digit OP’s become school teachers. Because they’re more clever than clowns like my daughter and her mates who get OP 1’s and 2’s.

Don’t log your dog in a sauna Linus recommends, not unless you’re that whacked on ice that you don’t know whether its night or day anyway (his comrade Do Nothing Di Farmer from Bulimba will look after you if you’re a crack head, she’s got some great programs going to spend millions of dollars on getting junkies temporary jobs so that they can impress the Judges who are going to sentence them when their plea of guilty to 78 criminal charges finally gets to court).

The MP for Political Career Failure declared that every Queenslander should get out their probe and hop in a steaming hot car, for educational purposes, and so constituents can call up the local cops and watch a dog in a car die while they wait for them to arrive, Power promised that he, his publicly funded probe, and his little puppy Malley would be traveling the length and breadth of the Logan electorate sitting in hot cars and almost dying to highlight the critical importance of the issue.

Cameron Dick, the Minister for State Development, Manufacturing, Infrastructure, Planning, Maintaining the AWU’s Power, and Cruelly Thwarted Leadership Dreams, proudly announced that after 11 years of representing the people of Woodridge he’d finally got off his arse and arranged for air-conditioning to be installed at 9 schools his electorate at some time in the not too distant future, weather permitting.

I guess he means that if its too hot the tradies won’t be able to whack the air cons in the walls, because they might slip on their own sweat. Never mind the poor kids, most of them are Polynesian and Aboriginal and can handle the heat.

MP Dick has also arranged for a new train to run from the Gold Coast through Woodridge at 4.30 in the morning to get the crack head kids who roll people down at the Goldie most nights home safely with their loot. If anyone wants to get on to travel to town as the crackies get off the journey will only cost them an arm and a leg and take them an hour. With a bit of luck the druggie muggers might have dropped some hot coins on the floor.

Mark McCardle the LNP member for Caloundra taught us never to trust a lawyer, especially a spivvy one from the Sunshine Coast, by declaring that the LNP never sold public assets without the public’s consent. That’s why the Newman Government got turfed after a single term. We can only hope he had his fingers crossed behind his back.

His former legal colleague on the other side of the house, Peter Russo, met a labradoodle named Bert at the QE2 hospital. Bert was a lot better behaved that his own labradoodles Cookie and Oreo, the unlikely MP informed us.

The one time Jehovah’s Witness turned Dentist turned failed LP leader JP Langrboek told us what we already knew by declaring that the QRIC was useless. Sadly for anyone who wants to see racing reform, he and his party are too.

The Racing Minister Pounds Stirling Hinchliffe didn’t bother to reply to JP’s barbs – what could he say really? – and instead amused himself and his colleagues by reciting a list of about a hundred organisations providing services to little kiddies whose parents are pokie addicts that received funding from the pokie revenue derived Community Benefit Fund.

At least he and his juvenile mates thought it was funny.

Fitter, turner, coxwain, christian, and gun loving licensed firearms dealer Steve Andrew MP from Mirani told us that the current drought in Queensland was the worst in living memory, which means he must have been dead between about 1990 and 1995 because that drought was. He suggests abandoning the Olympic bid and using the money to build a dam out in middle of nowhere at the back of his electorate instead.

My old comrade of many decades the Minister for Public Housing, Building, Digital Innovation (if you only you knew him you’d understand how humorous that title is), Sport and Bullying Staff Mick De Brenni gave us the fascinating insight that tradies and their apprentices in the building trade actually build things.

Mick also taught us that State Schools are great schools, which of course is why 95% of parents who can afford it (and a lot of them like me and Maggie who couldn’t) send their kids to private schools because their average OP performance is markedly higher.

Attorney-General Yvette D’ath was very excited about Humbeybong State Primary School getting an equitable lift. I am too, for it means that kids in wheelchairs won’t have to walk up the stairs anymore.

Former mortgage broker Mark Boothman – who, among other things, represents the interests of punters and bookies in the well known greyhound training boroughs of Maudsland, Wangawallan, Clagiraba and Guanabla – alerted the House to the alarming fact that the Coomera River is a natural barrier and has limited options for motorists to traverse it.

This of course is very true.

There are only three 2 lane bridges at Oxenford, an 8 lane freeway and two 2 lane bridges at Coomera, a 2 lane bridge at Oxenford, another four 2 lane bridges at Riverstone Crossing, Maudsland, Clarigaba and Guanalba, and four 2 lane bridges at Mt Nathan in the frustrated MP’s electorate. Boothman needs more bridges, and he wants them too. That’s why he’s calling on the State Government to fell a million trees in the forest and kill a whole lot of koalas by building another M1, which I guess would be called the M1-2, tutu for short.

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